The Last Time
by Ichihime
Summary: Tom isn't sure if he wanted to know. Alex isn't sure if he should have told. But this is inevitable; Tom just wishes it wasn't. "I don't intend to die. It's just-" Oneshot.


**The Last Time**

"I- I wanted to tell you that I'm leaving again," Alex says. It doesn't sound like him. It's too practiced, too formal. Rehearsed. The slight stuttering makes alarm bells ring.

Tom doesn't like it.

"Another mission?" he tries, in a somewhat cheery voice.

"Yes." Alex is quiet.

"You don't usually tell me like this." Normally Alex calls, sends a text-message or makes someone else deliver the message. Normally he's in a hurry. MI6 rarely gives him time to reconsider.

"Tom," Alex starts as his eyes fixes on the grey walls outside of the window. They aren't high enough up to have cleared the lower office buildings. "It's not a normal mission."

"You have normal missions?" Tom asks and tries for humour.

There's not a smile to find on Alex's face. "I might not be coming back."

Tom wants to say something. Something like 'good joke' or 'it can't be that bad', but Alex knows his job. Maybe he knows it too well. At any rate, Alex's lack of a smile is ominous on its own, and the meaning of what he was just told stays incomprehensible for a long moment.

Tom stares. "What?"

"It's dangerous and I don't know if-" Alex suddenly stops and seems to fortify himself as his muscles visibly tenses. "I might die."

"Your job's never been safe. This can't be that much worse, can it?" Tom tries to be hopeful, but he really already knows how this will end. He knows. It's too late to pretend otherwise.

"It's different. Usually I avoid close contact with them. The criminals, that is. This time I can't, and if they catch on…" Alex leaves it there. His expression tells Tom that the chance of them catching on is high, too high. Alex doesn't expect to get away.

"Then don't do it." It all seems clear to Tom. Alex is eighteen; they don't have any power over him anymore and Jack has already settled in France. He's supposed to be free. Alex can say no. It's that easy.

"I can't." Alex glances at him with serious eyes before looking away again.

And apparently it isn't that easy for Alex.

Something in Tom awakens; resentment and the knowledge that this isn't fair. It never was and it never will be and it has to end. But Alex doesn't seem to want it to."Why the bloody hell not?"

"Because…" Alex pauses and draws in a deep breath before slowly letting it out again. Somehow Alex looks defeated. "I just can't."

"Why, Alex? You should stop. You have no reason to continue. You're too old."

Alex looks uncomfortable for a moment, but Tom hardly cares to notice. He just needs to know why.

"Because…"

Tom waits, stares heatedly at Alex and the silence stretches on.

"I can't just let them die," Alex finally continues. "Every time I do a mission for them… It's important. People are relying on me. Thousands will die if I don't."

"You have a hero complex," Tom states slowly. "Just let someone else do it."

"There's no one else."

"Bullshit! You're not unique, Alex. I don't know what they told you-"

"Nothing! They told me nothing. I've been involved in this for months. We only have a few days left. Only a few days. There's no one else."

"I don't believe that." But Tom does. He really does.

"Look," Alex says, clearly frustrated, "I just wanted to tell you. Nothing else. I might die. That's it. I'm always in danger. I might die any day. You know that."

"But you think you're going to die," Tom says and as he does a horrible realization spreads across his face. Alex is always in danger, he might always die, but he might also always survive. That's what makes it bearable. Not this time though. This time is different. "You think- You aren't planning on coming back, are you? You didn't just leave a message, you called me in. Is this-" Tom's breath hitches in his throat and he can't continue.

Alex sighs and runs a hand across his short – too short, military style – hair. "I shouldn't have told you."

Tom doesn't quite know how to answer that. If he says yes, Alex should have, Alex will just point out their argument, quarrel or whatever you want to call it. If he says no, Alex shouldn't have; well, it would go against his real feelings. Alex wanted him to know, and deep inside Tom is happy about that.

But being told that this might be the last time…It's terrifying, and of course he's angry at Alex. Alex shouldn't have to do this. He shouldn't have said yes. They shouldn't be in this room with Alex calmly declaring that he will probably die in a few days or a week or whatever the timeframe for the mission is. It shouldn't be like this.

A far more reasonable part of his brain is stating in an awfully emotionless tone that someone has to do it and Alex is that someone. Personal feelings don't matter. Who would sacrifice a thousand persons for one man?

No one.

It would be wrong.

Alex is doing the right thing; Tom just wishes he didn't have to.

They're only eighteen. Alex is too young to die.

And yet there is no way for things to happen differently. Tom knows that Alex will go on that mission, that he will ensure that thousands of strangers will not die and that the consequences of it all might be devastating to Alex personally.

Tom knows that he doesn't want to look at a freshly dug grave at the end of this.

"Don't-," Tom starts. He swallows past the lump in his throat and stares to the side of Alex's right ear and into the wall. "Don't think like that. Don't think that you'll die. Just- Come back. Don't die."

Alex head is turned away for a long moment. Tom hesitantly takes a step closer. This is unknown territory. All of it is.

"Tom… I can't say that I'll come back." Alex's fists are tightening at his sides. Tom imagines that he can see the white bone beneath the pressure. "I can't promise that."

"I know," Tom answers. "But don't think that you'll die. It's like… It's like if you believe that you can do something you can do it, and if you don't believe it you can't." He doesn't know where he's pulling all of this from, and it definitely sounded better in his mind. "If you think that you'll die you will."

"I'm not a fatalist, Tom. Nor am I depressed, suicidal or anything like that. I'm valuable to the agency because of my ability to survive after all. I don't intend to die. It's just- It's a bit more likely this time." Alex is quiet for a moment and then intense brown eyes are meeting his. "I just wanted you to know." Tom can't break that gaze. "Just in case."

"Just in case, eh," Tom says, but his voice doesn't sound right. It's weak, fragile and at the point of breaking. But Alex doesn't need more worries. Not now. So Tom can't be weak or fragile or at the point of breaking. It's not allowed. He smiles and he knows that Alex can see through it. "You owe me a beer, you know. You have to come back for that."

The edges of Alex's lips turn a bit upwards and he replies softly; "Of course. I can't have you calling me a cheat, now can I?"

And they're both smiling and faking it, and pretending to be in a good mood.

This might be the last time.

Tom wrenches his mind away from that thought and instead takes the last few steps towards Alex and good-naturedly punches his friend on the shoulder before draping an arm across it. "It would ruin your flawless reputation," Tom sing-songs.

And Alex smiles a genuine smile. It's somewhat sad and sorrowful, but it's still a genuine smile. Alex is still smiling.

Tom doesn't allow himself to think about anything else as he does his best to smile back.


End file.
